concoursec | Issues

Characters: Espio the Chameleon, Touma H. Norstein
Location: Infirmary
Rating: PG-ish.
Open/Closed/Finished: Closed
Summary: Espio finally decides that maybe, just maybe he needs a little bit of professional help. Discussions of mental health issues.

Reflecting and reflecting and reflecting on everything wasn't helping Espio very much. If anything, it was making it worse. Over the last several weeks, ever since that family meeting, Espio had just been feeling more and more... exhausted. He didn't want anything to do with anyone anymore. Even going to his classes to teach was a chore.

By now, however, Espio had realised that it wasn't just a matter of feeling down. He could feel down at any time, but surely he should be able to just get back on his feet and deal with it! He always had done before - what was so different this time?

Unfortunately, it seemed that just getting up and dealing with it wasn't as easy as just that anymore. He needed a little bit of support. Marco's family, they were trying, but... even if he could fess up that they were part of the problem, he couldn't saddle them with his problems! They'd just wonder why he couldn't deal with it by himself anyway, he was sure, and would probably just blame him when their help turned out to be no help at all. Even he could see that the real problem was him, not them.

No. He'd have to go visit someone trained to deal with this kind of stuff - someone who'd likely seen other people experience those feelings before. To be honest, Espio didn't know what he expected out of it, but with some reluctance he finally made arrangements to speak to someone who knew what they were doing, and visited the Infirmary during one morning.

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"Espio," Touma greeted him, picking up a notepad and pen from a table nearby before stepping to another doorway. "Come on through and have a seat."

Upgrades to the infirmary had seen a new counselling office furnished for both Touma and Kadowaki's use, one without the distractions of the main infirmary ward's medical equipment nor their individual offices' personal effects. Instead, this office was reminiscent of the dormitories in its simplicity, some pot plants the only non-essential touch, though the seats were far more comfortable than standard issue Garden furniture.

By some twist of fate, Espio happened to be the first off-worlder, and first non-human, at that, whom Touma was seeing about mental health issues. Touma was already thinking ahead, wondering if the medications he prescribed some human patients would have different effects on a chameleon.

Espio glanced behind him before closing the door, then stood awkwardly by a chair for a moment before taking a seat. Unsure of what, exactly, he was going to say, he was silent for a moment before awkwardly returning the greeting with "uh... hi."

"I... don't really do doctors. Just so you know."

"I've heard that one before," Touma said mildly, taking a seat of his own. On his notepad, he jotted that down as a note to himself that Espio likely had no history of treatment.

"Before we get started, I just need to run over confidentiality with you: I won't disclose anything you share with me here to anyone else, including your family, unless you explicitly sign a release form. If I need to coordinate with Dr. Kadowaki on anything, I'll also ask you to sign a release form; otherwise she'll only be allowed to access your file in the event I leave this world.

"Likely exceptions to confidentiality - what with Garden's recently independent status, they're still writing the laws on this," he explained, "are if you disclose that you intend to harm yourself, others, or Balamb Garden; if you disclose information about child abuse; or if you're ever court martialled and I receive a court order for your file. In those cases, I'll most likely be legally obligated to report higher up. That's how I was trained before and I don't expect those laws to change much.

"Any questions?"

It was something of a mouthful, especially with recent changes to Garden's legal status, but he'd found it was best to spiel it towards the start of a first session.

Espio shook his head. No. That all sounded fine to him. "Got it," is all he said before falling silent and looking at the floor. He felt so awkward in here!

"Alright."

Touma put his pen down and looked up at Espio, ready to give him his full attention. Starting out was often the hardest part for patients; he was prepared to wait for this next answer.

"So, what brings you here today?"

"Well..."

Crap. How did he even start to put it into words? For a silent minute, he concentrated, mouthing words to himself as he tried to put them in order. And even then... ugh.

When he finally got them together, they were awkward, unsure, and quiet to the point his voice was barely recognisable.

"I guess I've been really dwelling on a few things lately. Kind of hard to explain - there's a lot of things, and I think they all come back to this one big thing, but not completely?

"I've actually come here because... it's at the point where I kind of don't even feel like myself anymore. I can't see the point of anything - not things that used to be important to me, not things I used to enjoy... I don't think I have it in me to get really worked up about anything right now. I'm just tired of it, tired of the effort. And that isn't me - I've always been able to find things I can get really invested in, or at least something to complain about."

He sighed.

"I don't know. It's a problem. And I know it's a problem, and I know other people can see it too. So, I should be able to just man up and pull myself together! But I've tried, and no matter how much sense and logic and everything I use to knock myself out of it I just can't. So..."

Espio shrugged. So he was here, basically.

Touma nodded as he listened, but waited until the end to scrawl down Espio's key points in messy shorthand.

"Sometimes it takes some manning up to get help with your problems too," he said gently, as he finished off his notes. "You've taken a good first step."

He glanced down at his page, reviewing what had and hadn't been said.

"We'll come back to those thoughts soon, but first, have you been experiencing any physical symptoms? Headaches, dizziness, pain anywhere, appetite or digestive problems, sleeping problems, fatigue? Or is it only emotional symptoms?"

Physical, huh? Espio frowned, trying to think.

"I've always been prone to headaches," he answered, after a moment. "And I suppose I have been sleeping more. I don't wake up with the morning announcements anymore - my classes are in the afternoon, so I don't see the point." He'd even stopped making lunches for everyone in his family, which was usually the first thing he did in the morning. "But even with the extra sleep, I'm tired. Probably just too much sleep, really."

He thought for a moment about the other things Touma mentioned, but dizziness and pain certainly weren't an issue, and he thought his appetite was fine even though he was eating at somewhat irregular times.

"That's all, I think. Probably nothing to do with it, though."

"I wouldn't rule that out just yet," he replied, writing them down. "Our bodies are more connected to our minds than we think."

His gaze flicked further up his page, checking something, before he turned the page to a fresh sheet. Once again, he'd wait until Espio had finished or at least paused significantly before he'd start writing anything down.

"You mentioned earlier that this might go back to one big thing. Can you please tell me what that is?"

Espio hesitated for a moment, then nodded. It wasn't so much that it was a secret, it was just a subject he preferred to avoid if he could help it.

"My last memory of my homeworld was seeing reality collapse around me," he explained, voice flat. "The Special Zone is - was - built on waste Chaos Energy. Someone discovered how to withdraw all that energy back into its source, decided to actually do it... and succeeded. I'm only alive because Time Compression dragged me here - everyone else, in a whole universe, was lost."

He shook his head, trying not to think too deeply about it. "Basically, everyone died and I have no home to go back to."

Grief counseling had been in the training for this job. Grief for an entire universe had not. This suddenly seemed like a dire oversight.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, sincerely. "How did you react when you first found out?"

"I really can't remember..." Espio said. It had been a long time ago, after all - what he did remember wasn't clear. "Part of me wanted to believe it was a nightmare, that my mind was playing tricks on me, but I knew. I faced the evidence much later, but I still knew..."

"I know I sort of switched off, and holed myself up for a long time. I worried a lot of people... I think Bulla even thought I'd throw myself off the roof!" He gave a nervous laugh.

"Mmhm," Touma murmurs. Then he looks up from his notes, a more focused concern in his eyes. "Since you brought it up - have you had any thoughts of suicide since finding this out? Or was it simply concerned friends?"

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