concoursec | Because Kidnapping is Pirate Speak for "Hello"

...what?

No, seriously, what the hell? The moment Marco lifted him up, Espio just stared up at him blankly. One day, maybe the damn pirates would learn to ask him instead of picking him up and dragging him wherever they pleased - presumably, at around the same time he became agreeable and actually likely to respond positively to such things.

"...why?"

"Because it's my birthday, and I'll do what I want to, yoi." He smirked lightly and held a finger up to his lips to warn the chameleon to settle down, though he really didn't expect it to work.

He was, in fact, fairly settled - he was resigned to impromptu Marco kidnappings, though it had been a while since the last one, and he didn't much have the energy to wriggle.

Still, Marco's birthday?

Last he checked, Marco kept that under wraps - at least, with him.

"Is it? Ah, put me down - I'll follow, I guess."

"Where we're going, we're flying. And aye, the others know when it is and I don't want to be easy to find today. Thatch and Namur know me well enough to keep Ace and Kitten distracted, I think. In any case, it's just going to be you and me today. I've been planning for it awhile, but you've been hard to pinpoint timing lately. The hazards of a haphazard life, eh?"

Marco rested Espio on his head and shoulders and instantly started relaxing at least.

"Right, okay... but what do you want my company for?" Espio asked, before he could stop himself, shuffling a little to get comfortable up there but still not really resisting.

It took him another moment, but he finally realised a certain phrase was generally customary. "Happy birthday."

Because you're my favorite.

It didn't fit. Marco didn't have favorites even as a commander, he couldn't really afford to do that kind of thing, and as a captain, he didn't want to.

"Because you're you," it really was as simple as that to Marco, but he had a feeling it wouldn't be enough for the chameleon. "Thatch and I can get fake drunk and mess around and do other things, but there are some days where it's not going to help either of us. I already talked to him about Toby before Toby came back for a bit--" it was too blunt, but Marco didn't know how to soften it, couldn't soften it, "--And I don't want romance with Kitten right now, so I can trust Thatch to handle her while I do what I want."

They headed outside. "Namur is rambunctious so together we don't really sit and talk or just eat cake. Ace is a headache. I love him to pieces, obviously, but he's not always relaxing and I don't want to have to control my temper today. He'd be the first person I'd go to to set things on fire with, or to be loud and reckless with. But you're the best you. I like our time together. You keep me steady. Like an oar. So just you today, because that's what I want."

"Mmmnnh."

It wasn't a word. He didn't have a word, or a collection of words that weren't going to rain hard on Marco's birthday in a thoroughly selfish way. So he just leaned on Marco's head, hiding his face in his arms, looking for something that he could say that would be both positive and sincere.

"Let's go then."

Marco laughed cheerfully, apparently that was all he needed to hear and he happily patted Espio's head and led him out to a good area to jump and switch to bird form from.

"Thank you little matey. And you can talk while we fly. Don't hold back just because I have to get you drunk first. Otherwise I really will just get you drunk and this time between then will be naught but a delay, eh?"

"I don't really have much of anything to talk about," Espio said, though it was kind of a lie - there was a bunch of things he wanted and probably needed to talk about, but this wasn't the time. When the time was, he had no idea. "So you're in for a quiet trip. And probably a quiet day if you plan on spending it with me. Not much of a birthday, but I'm not gonna argue with your mistake."

"I like quiet sometimes," Marco reminded him as he switched into bird form and took off into the air.

And it was true. Maybe that was Espio was his brother of choice today. Of the 4 of them, Espio was the quietest.

"Sometimes," Espio repeated, again not really thinking first. "Well, it's nice my company's wanted once in a while."

And then, realising what he'd said, he shook his head. "Sorry. Ignore everything I say. I'm an idiot, so let's just go."

Marco gave him a knowing grin and a small feathery headbutt in midair. Truthfully, he wanted Espio's company often, but Marco was never good at expressing it. There was no room for being wishy-washy on anything. He either did something to the fullest extent or he didn't do it. Which meant kidnapping Espio alone or waiting for the chameleon to come to him. Which could be more than a bit unfortunately sometimes. Especially if Espio didn't come to him.

But surely Espio knew Marco had to trust him to do that sometimes. Hopefully he knew, anyway.

Nope.

"Actually..." and here, he sighed, "there's a lot to talk about. I just don't know how to start saying it and be taken seriously. But. Umm..."

If Marco planned on getting him drunk one way or another, then he'd rather mention it when sober. "I think the doctor - uh, apprentice doctor - wants to put me on meds," was all he managed, awkwardly enough.

Marco wasn't sure how to take that. Meds for what? Was Espio sick? How serious was it? Was it bad? Were they trying to poison him or control him?

He tilts his head curiously, asking Espio to explain on it more, but gives another nudge with his head to remind his brother that he trusts him and he's there for him.

"Antidepressants, probably."

And even though it was a fairly simple thing, it was not an easy thing to say to Marco, let alone anyone else.

"I think the only reason he isn't is because he doesn't know if meds for humans will work the same way on a chameleon... they might even be dangerous.

"I would say it's nothing serious, but... I know I've really not been myself at all for a long while now for a lot of reasons. I'm really messed up right now. So. I'm trying to fix it, but it's gonna take a while before I'm right again, and I'm so tired."

It was a grave thing to consider. That Espio was depressed, depressed and sick from it. Marco whistled a long mournful note, but one meant to be soothing and he leaned into give Espio another feathery nudge. It wasn't enough, it wasn't all of what Marco wanted to say, wanted to do. Not because he was his honorary captain, but because they were brothers, because they were friends, because he cared about Espio.

There weren't really the right kind of words for that thing though, even if Marco had still been in human form. The important thing instead, Marco felt, was just to be there for him. And to let Espio know he was there for him, no matter what. He gave another long phoenix whistle, and quietly sang a small song, "You'll get there. And we'll support you. Come find me anytime." And because he suspected it wasn't Espio's style, Marco would do his best to come find him instead so that Espio wasn't alone. He gave another quiet nuzzle to his friend and quietly wrote drinks off the list. Just cake for tonight.

Espio had no idea what Marco was trying to say, but it sounded kind of reassuring, so he shuffled a little, wrapping his arms around Marco's neck in a sort-of hug.

"Kind of doesn't feel like I'm allowed to be me anymore," he mumbled, vaguely, though his words were kind of lost in the feathers.

Marco gave him another head tilt and a chirp. Espio wasn't allowed to be Espio? But Espio was who Marco liked. Who else could he be then?

"I... someone like me doesn't have a place in a world like this," he elaborated. "To everyone, I'm stupid and naive, sheltered, idealistic, or whatever. Makes me feel like a damn child. For believing what I believe in, for being the way I am. Even those who say they support my views, they don't share them. There's nobody who really shares them... even Toby couldn't really share them."

He sighed.

"It's grating on me. I'm surrounded by people who're all'oh, life's harsh, everyone should deal with it,' people who believe in suffering for the sake of suffering because suffering in itself magically makes people strong, those who believe nobody is worth protecting if they can't pay for it. People have to look after themselves.

"It's me who ends up getting the flak for being naive, for believing that the strong can look out for the weak. For believing it's okay for some people to be weak. That's not how the world works. Garden is a business. But... that's the way it was for me - I was strong, I could protect people weaker than me. What else was there to do?

"I can't do that anymore. I'm practically the weakest person in the whole damn Garden. I can't do anything - everything that I could consider a strength of mine is worthless here. I couldn't even talk to my own fiance without screwing up. I could disappear and everything would stay exactly the same."

It was all pent up, and now it was all coming out in an awkward rush. Guiltily, embarassed, Espio tightened his grip around Marco's neck.

"It's not like I should even be here in the first place. There's nothing special about me - why should I be the one to live when everyone else died? I couldn't protect them. I can't protect anyone."

Marco slowly dropped down from the sky where he was flying, gradually decreasing their flight to a smooth landing. Hopefully, Espio wouldn't even notice it.

There was only one thing to do in response to such a thing and Marco learned it from the very best, smartest, and strongest man in the universe so far as he was concerned.

He landed carefully on the rocky ground, and grabbed the ground with his talons before carefully switching into human and even more carefully taking Espio into his arms to give him a giant warm-winged blue fluffy hug to let Espio hide in.

"They're wrong, yoi." Marco leaned his face down against Espio's and into the blue hug. "My brothers. They thought you couldn't be a Whitebeard pirate because you hadn't shared those experiences with us, but that is the most Whitebeard thing I've ever heard since arriving in this world."

He sat down cross-legged on the rocky ground, unfazed by the surface. "Pops didn't protect people for money, and he didn't protect them for politics. I had to handle almost all of that because Pops didn't, and wouldn't. What do you think true strength is? Pops was strong because he tried to look after people. He looked after people he loved, that he'd barely even met. Do you know how long it took him to ask Ace to be his son? Fifteen minutes. And that entire fifteen minutes Ace had been trying to kill him. And for the next several hundred more times that Ace tried to kill him, Pops never gave up on him because he knew Ace better than Ace knew himself. That is real strength, yoi."

Marco didn't pet Espio, but he did hold him close and snuggle him. "I'm probably the oldest person in the Garden, even including Grell, but I still feel like a child every day. A child who lost his father not that long ago. A child who is trying to follow footsteps seventeen times bigger than mine, and connect dots across the universe. There's no shame in that, yoi. That is why I loved Pops so much. He saw that and said I needed a father. That all us lost kids like that needed an old man like him."

A deep breath and Marco looked up at the sky. "Toby is strong to me, not because he could fight, not because he could endure, but because he got back up and tried, as scared as he was. People who haven't lost anyone, haven't lost anything, they aren't strong. They're cocky idiots who are brittle because they don't know how to fill in their cracks and so the more cracks they're given they eventually splinter apart entirely. I've broken men like that, and I don't even regret it."

Another deep breath and Marco leaned his cheek against the top of Espio's head. "You aren't sheltered, not at all. And that is unfortunate. That is why I am taking you back to my world. Because I need you, and you will survive. Most of the kids here are more fragile than the men I've broken, yoi. Sometimes I don't understand you Espio, but that's not because you're wrong, it's because you're smarter than me. I wish I could understand how my Pops could love so easily, so universally, to take so many risks and care like that and not worry, or stronger still, to face that head on, but I can't. I still have my own cracks I haven't figured out how to fill yet. You're here because we need you. Those of us who have cracks like mine that only you know how to cover. You aren't as big as Namur, and you're not as aggressive as me or him, but you're tighter wound, so you can see those things we can't focus on. That's the strength of a crew. Of nakama. My weakness is your strength, so together we're stronger than anyone else."

Marco bit back his own tears, his own sorrow and just squished Espio a little tighter. "Surviving is a lot harder than people realize. Not the part that comes from trying to survive, but the part that comes afterward, living with yourself afterward. You might not think you can protect people, be it Toby or Namur, or Thatch, but you cover my cracks and then I can do it. I can't do that without your help. Do you remember when Shadow was here and you were very upset? I thought you should have killed him. But if it wasn't for how you handled it, how you taught me to be strong about it, I wouldn't be able to help Thatch and Ace with dealing with Teach and all that aftermath. That's why I want you to come back with me. Because if you can help me that much, you can help my brothers even more. And I need them. I need you. All of you."

Another squeeze. "I'm sorry about Toby. I was always scared that even if he came back, he might leave again. That I wouldn't be a good enough father to protect him. Here or back in his world. He's back in my world. That's selfish of me, to be relieved about that. There are things he needs to learn here still, but he's not ready yet. Maybe someday he will be. But for now, I will cover those cracks of yours, okay?" Marco's voice drops quietly, but no less intense. "You're not weak. You're my brother, and therefore one of the strongest people I know. Sometimes we're not always successful at what we try hardest at. But so long as we keep getting stronger, then the next time we'll know what to do or not. And that's why I brought you with me today, okay?"

Espio was barely listening - he was familiar with Marco's kind of reassurance. Didn't want to hear it, shook his head, barely reacted to the hug that made him feel yet more like a little child screaming for attention. He shouldn't have said anything, but once he started talking he had found that he couldn't stop.

Only snippets of Marco's words really registered.

"You don't get it," he mumbled. "My entire identity is useless to this world. Maybe you - just you - can find a tiny worthwhile part of me to cover up your own flaws, but the rest of me is still worthless and clinging on for no reason.

"I am far from 'strong'. What good am I if I can't even live up to my own ideals? When the ideals i have, with a 'naive' conception of good and evil, right and wrong, serve no purpose in a world of politics and militia? If I was strong, I wouldn't hate everyone on this stupid planet. I wouldn't wish I could just die and spare everyone the trouble of dealing with me, spare myself the guilt of just being alive when I failed everyone. And..."

A short, bitter laugh,

"The only reason Shadow didn't die was because I lost the fight.. Him being a different Shadow, us ending up on reasonable terms? Doesn't change that I did try to kill him."

Who cared about the rest of the world? Fuck them. They didn't know shit, and Marco could barely stand them. Well, clearly Espio cared. Like Ace. Marco never understood it. He was too used to being hated, too used to wanting to be hated. If the world hated him, it meant that he was doing something right.

So Espio hated them too, but felt guilty about it? And worthless.

"Espio," Marco growled, all fire and steel core. This was why Marco nearly never sparred. Because there was no holding back with him. Once he lost his temper he went all the way. "Don't set your identity to depend on how the whole world sees you. So you hate them? Aye, so do I. That just means you understand. You are not worthless. The world can't decide what your worth is, and neither can you. Only your friends can, the people closest to you. Listen, Espio. It wouldn't be sparing me the trouble, got it? Not me, not your other brothers here, and not Grell. Your ideals are no more naive than mine. They're founded in your experiences, and like hell I'll let anyone take that from you. It doesn't matter who dismisses you or not, because I promise I will always value you and that means you have a home and family who care, like it or not."

Marco moved to hold Espio out, one hand on the chameleon's head and fingers laced around the horn. He didn't want to force Espio to look at him but at the same time, he wasn't giving much other option either. "Look at me Espio," it was still a growl, fully commanding, going beyond just the authority of someone who'd spent years never giving orders except when he knew full well who had to do what. It was the commanding tone only the phoenix could hold. As thought piercing through time, and somehow more solid than any steel wall could ever be. More irrefutable. "All of us here have wanted to die at some point or another. Living past everyone hurts the most. Losing Thatch damn near killed me, and losing Ace before he was even dead did the same. Ace, Thatch, Namur, Grell, none of us truly have the right to be alive." Grell wasn't even alive, and yet she was. Thatch and Ace too. And Namur was in the center of it all. Marco was going to give him a big hug tonight. "But we are. I still don't give a flying fuck about this world, most of the people, or any other god damn world in all of the fabric in time and space. I'm only capable of caring about the people I love. Maybe I can add more, maybe I can't. But you aren't alone. You haven't failed anyone, and you'll never be useless to me. So whatever dumbass voice in your head that says otherwise is wrong. Got it?"

Espio refused to look at Marco, reached up for the hand that had grabbed him by the horn and pushed him back. Not even Marco's commanding tone could persuade him.

"No," he protested. "Hating people for existing is not a good thing. It goes against my own convictions - that every life is as valuable as the next, whether I like them or not. That's what I've fought for, for so long - to protect lives. To hate them, to think of them with almost the same kind of revulsion as Shadow, without even knowing why... I can't bear that.

"I've dedicated half my life to protecting people. To fighting those who cause suffering. And I can't do it anymore - if I try, I'll only fail. And what support is a family that can't share my convictions?"

He shook his head, still refusing to look at Marco. "You might say I'm not alone, but you said it yourself - your brothers don't think I could be one of them. They might be right. Ace, I can deal with, but the other two... we're so far apart in attitude and beliefs, I don't even know what to do with them or around them. Me and Grell have never seen eye-to-eye, and I couldn't even just talk to Toby without hurting him in some way...

"Can't even take a night out for my best friend's birthday without ruining it.

"I'm sorry."

He offered an awkward, strained smile. "Thanks, but if logic and sense helped, I wouldn't be in this mess."

"You're wrong," it was another growl and Marco flicked Espio's forehead, but at the weak smile he let go some of his own rage so that it drained out of him.

"Come here," he picked Espio back up into a tight hug. "You didn't hurt Toby. Toby hurt Toby. Toby was hurt by the world. You did nothing, but protect him. My brothers still consider you a brother, but they forget that we weren't just bound together by my father. We were bound by our own ideals too. Espio... Just because you hate them, doesn't mean you take it out on them. Do you really think that doesn't make you strong? To deal with all that rage and not lash out? If I had as much rage as Ace, the world would never stop burning. You hate them, but you still fight with all your strength to protect them. Even now, you're fighting yourself. I don't share that kind of passion. To protect everyone, and everything. But because you have it, I work better at it. You protect all those people would them ever knowing or giving a damn. Why the fuck do you think that you don't deserve far more happiness and protection in return?"

Marco sighed softly and leaned his cheek on Espio's head. "It doesn't matter that we disagree with you. Because you stick to it, you get us to help you do what you need, what you want. Ace is also a lot more protective of total strangers than I can ever be. He rescues marines, his grandfather was a marine, as I told you, and he actually cares about people who call him a monster for being born. I don't get him. I really don't. But I want to help him, and that means helping his convictions too. You're strong enough that your convictions won't become mine just because my will is around you. That is strength. I think it's okay to hate people. To be jealous, to feel hurt, to really resent them for the bullshit they do. But you need to stop hurting yourself for it. Even though you hate them, you still love them enough to protect them in a way someone like me can't. And more than that, you pull me into helping you, got it?"

Marco set Espio back up on the top of his head and pet him gently. "You're not alone. Thatch and Namur are old pirates like me. But we listen. Especially to the future. Our Pops taught us that." More pets. "And it's the nice thing about being a pirate, you can be family with whoever you want to, you don't have to let pesky things like biology or laws or justice get in the way. My justice is not yours. It can never be that strong. I am too old and jaded, and I've never been that adaptable to change. But, and I mean this with all my heart, so long as you're around, I will always fight for your convictions, even if we disagree. Because I trust you. Because you're my brother. Because we're family. If it's important to you, then it's important to me. And I meant what I said. I wanted to spend my birthday with you. I don't want you to hurt, and I'm sad that you are, but I wouldn't have this day any other way."

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